A Theology of Gray
The older I get, the less I care about being "right." Growing up in church, I was taught what to believe and how to act... you know, "Jesus would want you to do this, think this way, etc." And that was fine for me at the time; it helped mold me into the person I am now. Those moral teachings kept me out of trouble (except when the rebel in me came out and I intentionally did what I wanted to do irregardless of what I learned in Sunday School) and played a huge role in developing my worldview.
A curious thing happened though as I got older though; I started asking questions. Simply being told what to believe was no longer good enough for me. It was becoming more evident that the simple black and white world of ethics, decision making, and of faith I was taught was theoretical and not an accurate description of the reality I was living in and witnessing. I needed a faith that was more malleable, that helped explain the out of sorts world I lived in without the rigidity and fundamental propositional belief "requirements" allegedly so important for my faith.
As I was figuring out what to do with my life, I decided to attend a seminary that was widely denounced amongst those same people as "liberal" or "heretical" or "dangerous"... but by then the opportunity to flex was a much more exciting a possibility for me than continuing to exist in the theological rigidity that was slowly choking the life out of my faith, let alone also becoming alien to the culture I was attempting to live faithfully in. And at that school, my faith was challenged on nearly a daily basis. I learned so much, though oftentimes wondered if I opened Pandora's Box and was learning things I didn't want to know about the Bible and my faith ... but I loved it! During my time in seminary, I was systematically deconstructed and rebuilt... but rebuilt into someone who preferred to exist in the murky gray areas rather than the clear and already defined black and white.
"I don't know," or "I don't have a clue" became acceptable answers to questions of faith...(Well, except at my ordination hearing. What I viewed as intellectual honesty was not lauded in the fashion I would have hoped for).
But having such a "theology of gray," I found, singled me out more than unified me with the church establishment... and I experienced immense discouragement as I realized existing in the gray areas outcasted me from a church culture that thrived on pretending that the world was black and white. (Though I readily admit at the same time that during this time I lacked all sorts of humility and acted like an arrogant bastard who lorded my sense of rightness over people).
Yet this theology of gray linked me with people outside the church... people who didn't grow up with the rote answers to the deeper questions of life... if they were asking those questions at all. So even though I'm walking the fine line to heresy, as some may say, the faith that God is developing within me is one that has application and relevance to real life. And I'm okay with that now.
I love God more than ever before, though I readily admit that I know a whole lot less than I ever thought I did... but that's okay! God has given me a humility (though I'm still a work in progress, believe you me) that accepts the fact that I may be wrong much more than I'm right... or scarier yet, that this whole concept of faith may be a whole lot grander and more immense than I'm aware of or even comfortable with.... but that's okay too! It truly leaves me with a concept of God that is much larger than I could conceive of or imagine.... and something in me tells me that that's probably how it should be.
A curious thing happened though as I got older though; I started asking questions. Simply being told what to believe was no longer good enough for me. It was becoming more evident that the simple black and white world of ethics, decision making, and of faith I was taught was theoretical and not an accurate description of the reality I was living in and witnessing. I needed a faith that was more malleable, that helped explain the out of sorts world I lived in without the rigidity and fundamental propositional belief "requirements" allegedly so important for my faith.
As I was figuring out what to do with my life, I decided to attend a seminary that was widely denounced amongst those same people as "liberal" or "heretical" or "dangerous"... but by then the opportunity to flex was a much more exciting a possibility for me than continuing to exist in the theological rigidity that was slowly choking the life out of my faith, let alone also becoming alien to the culture I was attempting to live faithfully in. And at that school, my faith was challenged on nearly a daily basis. I learned so much, though oftentimes wondered if I opened Pandora's Box and was learning things I didn't want to know about the Bible and my faith ... but I loved it! During my time in seminary, I was systematically deconstructed and rebuilt... but rebuilt into someone who preferred to exist in the murky gray areas rather than the clear and already defined black and white.
"I don't know," or "I don't have a clue" became acceptable answers to questions of faith...(Well, except at my ordination hearing. What I viewed as intellectual honesty was not lauded in the fashion I would have hoped for).
But having such a "theology of gray," I found, singled me out more than unified me with the church establishment... and I experienced immense discouragement as I realized existing in the gray areas outcasted me from a church culture that thrived on pretending that the world was black and white. (Though I readily admit at the same time that during this time I lacked all sorts of humility and acted like an arrogant bastard who lorded my sense of rightness over people).
Yet this theology of gray linked me with people outside the church... people who didn't grow up with the rote answers to the deeper questions of life... if they were asking those questions at all. So even though I'm walking the fine line to heresy, as some may say, the faith that God is developing within me is one that has application and relevance to real life. And I'm okay with that now.
I love God more than ever before, though I readily admit that I know a whole lot less than I ever thought I did... but that's okay! God has given me a humility (though I'm still a work in progress, believe you me) that accepts the fact that I may be wrong much more than I'm right... or scarier yet, that this whole concept of faith may be a whole lot grander and more immense than I'm aware of or even comfortable with.... but that's okay too! It truly leaves me with a concept of God that is much larger than I could conceive of or imagine.... and something in me tells me that that's probably how it should be.
I am going to have to tend more toward certain establishment sides of this little disagreement. In the Church, "gray" too often means accomodating culture or human desires in place of reading the Bible (always contextually) and making intelligent, righteous decisions therefrom. Oh, and momma always taught me to never trust someone who says "I am humble." :-)
ReplyDeletenice post nori... brian brings up some interesting stuff in his response. sometimes gray does seem to be a reluctance to accept either the black, or the white, wrapped up in our belief that we are being more honorable by not choosing.
ReplyDeletei do tend to think though that there is lot more mystery to our faith than absolute certainty. if it were less so, would it really be faith?
sorry guys! i need to figure out how to get email alerts when people post on the blog. is that possible, or do i just need to keep checking back?
ReplyDeleteanyways, i def agree with the points you made. i think my critique is pointed more towards the paradigm of faith that seeks the easy answers, that fails to grapple with the implications of their clear black/ white understandings of life and faith... because like you said dave, that is not necessarily a sign of a strong and vibrant faith, but tends to be the sign of a faith that is lacking in depth and mystery. good stuff!